Circle Setup
Altar Setup
Announcement by the HP:
Folks, this is a ritual which is offensive. If you are easily offended,
then leave now. If you are certain that you will be offended by it then you
really need this ritual. If, however, at the end of the ritual you aren't
sufficiently offended, come up and see me and I'll offend you personally.
Gather coveners together and teach them this chant:
Ack, Ack, Ack, Plbb, Plbb, Plbb.
Repeat as a group until you get tired of it.
Put a pinch of incense on the charcoal.
Cast Circle
The HP takes a can of Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorizer, and walk around the
perimeter of the circle spaying Pet Fresh. If outside, throw kitty litter.
HP: "We are gathered in a sandbox that is not a sandbox."
Repeat as necessary.
Call The Quarters
The HPS takes the cigarettes and lighter from altar and walks to the south.
Light cigarette, wave cigarette at the sound, and intone:
"Hi!"
Cross from south to east. Take deep puff from cigarette and blow smoke out
ostentatiously. Wave cigarette at east and intone:
"Hi!"
Cross from east to west. Pour beer on cigarette. Wave cigarette at west and
intone:
"Hi!"
Cross from west to north and stub cigarette in ashtray. Wave cigarette at
north and intone:
"Hi!"
Invoke Bill the Cat
The HPS stands before Bill the Cat icon and holds hands out in invoking
manner.
"I invoke you and call upon you, O Might Ruler of Degeneracy, Bringer of
Fun and Good Times! I invoke thee by Pun and Limerick, Cartoon and Quip, by
Herb and Brew and All Other Manner of Consciousness-Changing Substances, to
Descend into this Figure of This thy Servant and Priest: Hallucinate with
His Eyes - Lick with His Tongue, Ingest with His Mouth - Grope with His
Paws so that thy Servants may be Fulfilled."
Pour some beer or other noxious substance over Bill's head as an anointing
(if indoors, and you object to kitty litter and beer being poured all over
your carpets, use Pet Fresh instead of litter and put the beer in a bowl
into which you dip your fingers and lightly sprinkle the icon or
petitioners). Walk to the center of the circle, raise arms, and call:
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
Repeat as needed.
Statement of Purpose
HP: "We are here to night to initiate new friends into the worship of Bill
the Cat. Let the good times roll! Petitioners, step forward." Wait for them
to do so.
HP: "Is it your will to join the Cult of Bill the Cat?"
Petitioners assent
Yeah, Sure, why Not?, ..., What?, etc.
Oath Taking
HP: "I, (state your name), of my won free will and accord, do hereby swear
to honor the discordian deity, Bill the Cat, Lord of Humor, Perversity and
Disgusting Noises. I promise to go for the Cheap Jokes, indulge in
Excessive Behavior and always maintain my sense of the Ridiculous. I wear
never to take my religion so seriously that I forget to laugh and in token
thereof do I give fourth of my bodily fluids."
Spit into fire or spittoon.
Anoint and Cleanse Initiates
HP takes beer or soda from altar and anoints forehead of each initiate with
the cough of "Ack." Mayo mixed with tuna juice, or peanut butter, may be
substituted for those with a kinkier mindset. Replace anointing fluid on
altar. HPS censes each initiate with catnip incense.
Charge of Bill the Cat
HP: "Hear now the charge of Bill the Cat! Whenever you have needs, once in
a while and better it be when your mouth is full, then shall you spew forth
in some public house or private place or anywhere that persons may be
gathered, and adore me, Bill the Cat, prince of all vulgarity. You who
would fain indulge in lewd or disgusting acts but have not yet reached true
depravity, these will I teach true excess and the art of making rude bodily
noises, for I am come to tell you if it lookith gross and/or feelith good,
if others need to turn away in embarrassment or disgust, if it causeth
others to burst forth in uncontrolled laughter, and if none be truly
harmed, then have you stumbled into true oneness with the great spirit of
Bill: and as a sign that you are truly free, you should be naked in your
rites for then shall there shall be no fumbling with clothing in your
drunken quest for the naughty bits. And spread humor, good will and
anything else that needs spreading. All in my name, crying:
Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb! Hail Bill!"
Libations and Toasting
HPS burns a pinch of incense and opens beer. Takes a swig of beer and spits
into the fire (or altar or spittoon). Passes beer to the initiate/covener
on the left who repeats the process. After everyone has toasted Bill, beer
is poured over his head and the bottle or can is replaced on the altar.
Pass the cat dish of Goldfish shaped crackers.
Inner Mystery
HP: "Hear now the inner mystery of Bill the Cat as told to us by Orenda,
co-founding High Priestess of Bill the Cat:
CONCLUSION
HPS: "Initiates, you are now full empowered priests and priestesses of Bill
the Cat, entitled to set up your own shrines and to initiate others. Go
forth and spread the word (and anything else that needs spreading). Bill
the Cat: he's hot, he's hip and he's hairy. Hail Bill!"
All: "Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb!"
Closing
HPS: "Thanks, Bill. Y'all come on back now, hear?"
HP walks to the west and waves, intoning:
"Bye-bye!"