The Field Guide to Neopagandom
1. Bright-Eyed Novice
You just read this cool book about a religion where there's a *Goddess* and a God, and they meet outside in nature, instead of some scary old building. They think sex is GOOD not evil, and you want
to know
where to sign up.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Mispronounces god/dess names, has to think a moment about which
is deosil and
which is widdershins. Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with
"A-frame".)
2. Grand Old Wo/Man
Actually remembers Woodstock (the first one.) Will tell you about
the time they dropped acid with Kerry Wendell Thornley - or maybe
it was
Robert Anton Wilson. Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or
was it
three people with one name?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Luxuriant gray locks, listens very intently, knows dish about
people
you've only read about.
3. Tree Hugging Nature Sprite
Most prized possession: one of Judi Barry's old tree spikes.
Simultaneously believes in universal love for humanity AND
returning the
planet to a pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes
and fondle the
shrubbery at a moment's notice. Can discuss compost in great
detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
No meat, no fragrance, no leather, no plastic, no smoke, no
drugs, no
eco-exploitive products, no animal tested cosmetics, no TV, no
car,
but very tolerant.
4. Anal Retentive Ceremonial
Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is
studying
Greek, Latin and Hebrew all at once. Does "workings"
instead of
"rituals". All twenty volumes of their magical diaries
are all in Enochian.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Won't go anywhere without a book. Is constantly aware of which
direction
is east. Dresses according to planetary conditions, or whatever
was on
sale at Wal-Mart.
5. Womyncentric Gynocrat
A man's shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three weeks
purifying it. She'll have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No
boys
allowed in her full-moon club. Can hold forth for hours on the
magical
properties of menstrual blood.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Tiny axes or curved knives, just right for amputating a penis,
are a
favored symbol and often hang conveniently from her body parts.
When a man
approaches she rolls her eyes and stops talking.
6. Sexy Pagan Nymph
Oh, they're so nice! All that warm, round, sex-positive flesh --
and you can actually carry on a conversation with them between
orgasms...pant, drool...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Cute. Horny. Displays prominent cleavage. Will recite love poetry
to you under a full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often destitute. All
too few of them.
7. Corporate Closet Witch
"Hey, boss -- I'd like to take February 2nd as a personal
day..."
Has an entire chapter of their Book Of Shadows concerned with
spells for
purifying the workplace. Doesn't mind working on Christmas,
especially if
there's overtime involved. Quit being overtly Pagan at work since
being
canned by that born-again boss, but still refuses to say
"Merry Christmas."
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Can assume a properly smiley work persona at the drop of a hat.
Constantly glances around the room anxiously looking for
co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive style of dress, no conspicuous tattoos.
8. Childe Ov Kaos
Can name seventeen industrial goth bands without pausing to
think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Personally feels that if no panicky
headlines appear the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up.
Painted
on their jacket, engraved in their flesh and/or boldly displayed
as
jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of corporate
logo and
arcane symbol. If you don't know what it means, they'll think
you're a
dweeb.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Easy to picture as an alternative musician or bike messenger,
difficult
to visualize as a school teacher or research assistant,
impossible to
imagine as a TV news anchor or bank officer. Always wears black
leather, even
when sleeping.
9. Pagan Celebrity
At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special
key for elevator access. Lurks around knots of conversation
eavesdropping in
order to see if their name is being mentioned. Arrives in
helicopter
especially for rituals. Starts every sentence with "I".
If you ask them how
it's going, they hand you a press release.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Always has plenty of books to autograph and will personally sell
them to
you at a slight discount from cover price. Never seen
unaccompanied by
beefy amazonian bodyguards and doe-eyed hangers-on. Seems vaguely
afraid of
anyone they don't already know.
10. Scary Devil Worshipper
Would _never_ be caught dead skyclad. Rarely smiles, except in
a snide, knowing way which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant
worthy of
conquest. Secretly enjoys Rush Limbaugh and read _The Bell Curve_
with smug
satisfaction. Fascinated with Nazis. Probably has never hurt a
fly, but they
want you to think they're capable of vast destruction. Hasn't the
foggiest
idea what Paganism is; usually gets out when they find there's no
bloodshed.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Lots of black and red. Men like goatees, women favor heavy black
eyeliner. At least one inverted pentagram somewhere on their
person. If
you see several of them getting tanked in a bar, it would be wise
to stay
far away.
11. Crowley-In-A-Past-Life
Every magical gathering has at least one of these, along with
several
variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba, Morgan LeFey,
or
somebody who was Atlantean royalty. Many of them were abducted by
aliens recently, and have disturbing dreams rich with arcane
symbolism
that they will tell you all about, in _great_ detail.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Look for the intense gleam in the eyes, the backpack rattling
with
various psychiatric medications, and the garments that were
clearly
designed and tailored on another planet.
12. Ravin' Pagan
Young and psychedelic. Can dance non-stop all night. Refuses to
do boring Eurocentric rituals and prefers deities from sunny
climes with
lots of interesting local plants. Can say "Ayahuasca"
ten times real fast
and deliver long quotes from Terrence McKenna.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Dresses in color combinations that hurt the eyes unless you've
taken
ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, blissful smile, never goes anywhere
without
ritual drum.
13. Fairie Queen
Is he a she? Is she a he? Are they a couple, or are those two a
couple or
are all four of them a quadruple? If getting answers to these
questions
could disturb you, best stay away. If, on the other hand, these
kind of
questions seem overly judgmental, you might have a real good
time...
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
When you look at this person, does every sex act you've ever
experienced in
your life seem hopelessly vanilla? If so, congratulations --
you've found a
Fairie!
14. High Episcopagan
Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a stage manager,
an
orchestra with chorus and last at least three hours? It's a High
Episcopagan! They can memorize pages and pages of Olde Englishe,
have more
ritual garbs than most people have socks, and consider their main
pagan
influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy Garland and Busby Berkeley.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Book of Shadows exceeds five volumes. Knows every note of
"Carmina
Burana" Don't ask them about that 18th century seed pearl
trim on their
ritual hat unless you've got an hour to spare.
15. Fundamentapagan
If it's in a book, it must be true. If it's in an old book, it
must
_really_ be true. If it's in an old book that was handed down
from an
oral tradition of people who couldn't read, then it must _really_
be
_way_ true. Gnashes their teeth if anyone shows up at a circle
wearing a
watch, glasses, or other mechanical assistance. Believes that
anyone who
lives in a city, eats meat or has a regular job dare not call
themselves a
Pagan.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Has hissy fits when somebody brings up the old "Crowley
ghosted Gardner's
books" argument. Goes around correcting everyone's
Gaelic/old
Norse/Latin/Babylonian.
16. Dances With Bunnyrabbits.
Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and
feelings. Charter member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be
publicly
executed. Has many, many, many pets. Has a spirit animal.
Personally owns 927
models, pictures, and other depictions of their spirit animal.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Not counting the Pagan his/herself, how many animals can you see
when looking
at them? If the count surpasses five (including critters found on
tattoos,
jewelry, garments and undies), you've found a worshipper of
beasties.
17. Priest/ess of Political Correctness
Analyzes everything they read or hear for
sexist-racist-homophobic-
imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying attention to what
is
actually being said. Believes in personal liberty -- everyone has
the
right to be overbearing, dogmatic and holier-than-thou, not just
the
Xtian Right. Incredibly boring yet annoyingly self-righteous all
at the
same time.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Beady hyper-alert little eyes are constantly in motion, waiting
for
someone to do or say something _bad_. Has loud and attention
attracting hissy
fits when confronted with everyday things such as advertising or
corporate
franchises. Rudimentary sense of humor is rarely activated.
18. Our Lady Of Intense Suffering
Is constantly persecuted. You're probably persecuting her right
now, you just don't realize it. Became a Pagan because she
decided it was
that most persecuted religion of all. Can't enjoy anything
because it
would be selfish to have any fun when so many are suffering.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Tales of woe. Even less of a sense of humor than #17. Bristles
when
anyone says the words "masochist" or
"whining".
19. I Am Not Spock (at the moment)
Knows at least three filks about Cthulhu and at least forty Star
Trek jokes. Has found a clever way to create simple furniture
from stacks
of science fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of
space ship.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Two fisted drinking style. Probably still lives with parents.
Many
cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart
for their
own good.
20. Het-Case
Insist that they aren't homophobic; they just believe that
Paganism is
about a goddess and a god and they do it and what could be more
obvious than
that? It just doesn't "work right" if you try any other
way! Are
secretly afraid that gays and/or lesbians are dying to jump their
tender
hetero bones.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Living spaces abound with depictions of satyrs with enormous
genitals
and huge-breasted, doe-eyed goddesses. Long manicured nails and
wreaths of
flowers (on females _only_ -- men have big, bushy beards
instead.)
21. Norse Code
Heroic and Vikingly, these Pagans often get into trouble with
festival organizers and park rangers due to their fondness for
running
around with a huge battle-ax in one hand and a full mead horn in
the
other. They throw the best parties, but if you're a wimp, you're
expressly not invited.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Look for the large, foreboding, biker-like persons wearing runes,
with
many pounds of amber dangling from their necks.
22. Pentacles, Inc.
Pagans have disposable income too, right? So how come they aren't
buying my hand forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces -- they come
in
silver and gold, and each one has a genuine cubic zirconium belly
button.
Would you like a card reading? Will that be Visa or MasterCard?
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS:
Has business cards featuring little embossed pentagrams. You
never
saw so much Egyptian god/dess jewelry on a human being in your
whole life.
23. Discordian Neo-Anarchist
Argumentative. Infuriating. Goes on philosophical tangents for
hours, only to lead the discussion into obsurdities that make
your brain
hurt to think about them. Smiles too much. Laughs too much,
especially at
things that are *NOT* funny. Makes fun of everyone's sacred cows,
especially yours. Is iconoclastic to the point of cliche'. Rants
and raves
about huge conspiracies and secret centuries-old organizations.
DISTINGUISHING SIGNS: Yin/yang pendant with a pentacle and big
yellow apple
inside. Carries around any books by Douglas Adams or Robert Anton
Wilson.
Refuses to take themselves - or anyone else - seriously.
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The author of this article is anonymous. If you are out there, we appreciate your wonderful humor and would love to see more of your writing!
I am endebted to the New York State Witches Page for this
field guide. Many thanks and a tip o' the cap...